Day 8: Satisfied.

Day 8: At what point were you more satisfied with your life.

Obviously it was the week Parker was born. When our family became complete. But at what point? I'm going to pick the exact moment.

I would love to say it was the moment when I finally got to see Parker after he was born.

But that could have been more satisfying if I could have actually held him..not just touched his head in amazement. That was the worst part about having a c-section. I couldn't hold him after he was born.

In baby class they tell you that you have to let the doctors know if you want to hold your baby right after they pop out of your baby place of if you'd like the doctors to clean off all the baby life goo first. I'm not going to lie...I planned on opting for the goo-free meeting. I don't care what they say; you are still going to form an amazing bond with your child even if you don't hold them in the first 30 seconds of their new life.

I didn't get to hold P for what seemed like hours. I'm sure it was less than 5 minutes? I don't remember. I just remember Thane coming out behind my surgery blanket holding our son. That was a pretty crazy amazing moment. P was so perfect.

Who would have thought I could create something so perfect?

Well I mean..Thane had something to do with it. I just did all the hard work.

So anyway...while that moment was perfect...I was not totally satisfied.

I wish I could say it was the moment when we were in recovery and I finally got to hold him.

This could have been more satisfying if I wasn't terrified I would drop him, due to the amazing amount of drugs I was on or if I didn't have a nurse shoving my boob in his mouth.

The best part of this moment, besides obviously holding P for the first time, was watching Thane share our news with every one. I have never seen him smile so huge. Even when I walked down the aisle. That picture makes him look more like he was in pain. Seriously. I should find it. I know exactly what face he was making...but my niece Hannah just caught it at a bad time. So while I'm sure everyone else is thinking "Oh no Pam...it's a good thing he didn't run!" I know what that face meant. "Holy shit...I'm about to marry this beautiful lady. I'm so lucky."

I should probably remind him of said picture...

I say my most satisfying moment was in our hospital room the day we got to go home ..finally.

We were finally into a routine...that was about to be thrown for a loop when we didn't have any help from trained professionals. Considering we pretty much lived at the hospital that week, we were feeling at home...just laying around with our son.

We could relax as a family.

We had no visitors that day. While we went a little stir crazy because of that  and because we knew we were heading home but hadn't been given a time.

Reality was setting in that we were about to go home and learn how to be parents. Surprisingly, instead of panicking...I was excited.

My most satisfying day was the day we got to head home to be a family.

If you'd like to read about our first night home..here you go. It's a good one. :) Our First Night Home

Pretty much sums up my child....

Last Chance Binge

Why is it that every time I'm about to start something new in the workout world I binge the weekend before?

Like instead of a Last Chance Workout..I have a Last Chance Binge.

Gotta eat all the food I won't let myself touch while on a diet...or maybe "not let myself touch" is extreme. It's more like "not let myself eat this without regret."

Don't act like you don't do it. 

Wait..you don't? You mean this is the reason I can't lose weight?? 

Tomorrow I start my Biggest Loser Bootcamp with my coworkers. so what did I have to dinner last night?

Culvers.

I was going to just stop and get fries because I didn't eat much yesterday and I didn't want my body to go into starvation mode. (insert sarcasm)

So I am sitting there in the drive-through (is that how you spell it? It doesn't' look right and my spell checker is in bed.) and I start to stress out. Drive-throughs are stressful! They just assume you know what you want when you pull in. 

Well you know what magical annoyed voice...internal struggle going on here. It's Fat Girl vs Pinterest Motivational Board Girl in this Equinox..so give the girls a minute to hash things out!

And you know what they say when you assume things. 

So anyways, I'm sitting here just seconds before I know the voice will start to talk to me and I'm thinking "Im only getting fries" and then I start to think..."weeellll....you are about to start an 8 week journey of weight loss and finding yourself..maybe you should just have a ButterBurger too?"

Before I know it..she is asking me if I want cheese with that. 

Fat Girl won this round.

Pintrest Motivational Board Girl will trump starting tomorrow. 

Don't worry. 

I just finished the Oreos. 

Day 7: The Zodiac Killer

Jk..that's not what this blog is about.

It's about "my zodiac sign and if I think it matches my personality."

It's not about a movie. I think I have seen that movie, but maybe not? I have a bad memory. 

It's not about a serial killer in northern California. (I didn't even know that part..I just goggled it.)

Its about me being a Scorpio and lovin it!!

Anyways my friends, let's break it down...

"Those born under this sign are as emotional as their waterborne brethren, it's just that they're not as likely to show it. "

I am the most emotional person ever. EVER. It's like 27% worse since I got pregnant and had P. I do show it a lot more than I should. Some stuff, a lot of stuff, only Thane sees though. Girls gotta be tough. I am an emotional thinker though. I have started trying to let myself calm down and think things through before I react. Last time I was beyond angry I made myself work out hoping it would calm me down. Didn't work. I was so angry I couldn't even focus on my Netflicks show. So I guess I fit this one about 80%. Sometimes I give in and show what I'm emotional about though. 

"Beware the Scorpio who feels crossed! These folks can turn vindictive in no time flat. Luckily, once Scorpios catch their breath, they will return to their usual determined and loyal (albeit strong-willed) ways."

I would agree with this. Burn me and I react. Maybe not to you I guess...but Thane gets it. Poor guy. Usually my reaction is an emotional one. Weird. Cry. Slam a few cupboards. Ya know..the norm. 

"Scorpios love competition in both work and play, which is why they'll air it out in sports and games. Extreme sports are right up Scorpio's alley, as is most anything that will test their mettle."

Um...extreme sports?? No. My mom kept me in a bubble as a child. I don't do extreme things. Sports? Yes. I love the. Competition? Yes..it drives me.  

" She won't give a man her heart very easily because she is weary of trusting another person. The man will have to go through a series of 'mental testes' in order for the relationship to get solid and close. She may not show it, but she wants a close committed relationship"

Yes poor Thane. When we meet I was still a little messed up from my last relationship. It's amazing how much emotional baggage you bring to a relationship. Luckily Thane stuck it out...through all the crazy episodes. Because just like a true Scorpio..I'm jealous too :)

Day 5: Ending it All

Day 5 is a ridiculous topic. "A time you thought about ending your own life"

I honestly don't think I have ever been in a place where I have felt that horrible about things...and if I did I sure as hell wouldn't share it on my blog!

I can imagine only 2 cases where I may even come close to this...if something tragic ever happened to Thane or Parker. 

I honestly don't know what else could be so devastating that I would get to this point.  

So on to more fun topics! Skip ahead to Day 6....crap.

30 interesting things about me?

Ugh...can I think of 30..probably not.

1. I have a secret closet obsession with......Oreos. What? You already knew that? Crap.
2. I want nothing more to own a pair of skinny jeans. I should say "be able to wear them." I could buy them now...I just can't wear them...people would like to keep their eye sight.
3. I'm a shy person. 
4. When I'm in an unexpected situation I talk to much and probably say something offensive. Ever run into me at Target? in the gym? anywhere I wasn't planning on seeing you? Ya...sorry for whatever I said. 
5.I have 3 tattoos. 2 of the 3 are suns.
6. I'm obsessed with suns. Aztec suns are my favorite.
7. I'm also obsessed with planners. I may not actually look in it when I need to..but I go back and write stuff in. :)
8. I have never freaked out about money as much as I do now. Even when I had 29 cents in my account in college. Apparently being responsible for another person makes you that way?
9. I wish I could ski. I tried. I failed.
10. I wish I liked being outside. I just don't I'd much rather hole up in my scrapbook "room."

30...cripes.

11. Taxes stress me out. I don't want to be audited.
12. I like taking pictures...way to much. My 2013 photo book for our family...232 pages. Opps.
13. I really enjoy my job right now. I love being in the office. Good think I wasted 5.5 years of my life getting an education degree.
14. I hate bare walls. Hate them.
15. Not being able to breastfeed was probably one of the most traumatic things in my life thus far. It's amazing how people make you feel like shit because of something that was out of your control. It's amazing how upsetting and frustrating it was. This could be a whole other blog post.
16.I wear flip flops year round. I almost wore them today. 40*...I'm in! While..from when it gets kinda warm to when it snows again. 
17. I was awe stuck at how amazing it was to watch my son take his first steps. Such a cool experience. He was so proud of himself.
18. I sleep better when Bernie is curled behind my knees. 
19. I sleep horrible when Thane isn't there. 
20. I stutter. Bad. Especially when I'm stressed out..tired..or put on the spot. It's horrible. 
21. I can't order a Miller Lite. I can't. Friends think I'm lying and just being lazy...but I really can't. The words get stuck in my throat and its really embarrassing to try to say it to a bartender. The joys of having a speech problem.
22. Once I get an idea in my head...I run with it. I obsess over it. Well..that is what I am currently doing at least.
23. Eric Church can put me in a good mood. No matter what. 
24. I truly enjoy selling Thirty-One. It's a great business to be a part of. 
25. I have not had a pedicure since I found out I was pregnant. Wait, I may have for Carla's wedding..I can't remember. ya, I think I did. But $50 is a lot just to make my feet look not gross.
26. I have learned that Karma is a bitch. The hard way. It has changed how I look at things. 
27. I can't drag myself out of my bed early to work out to save my life. 
28. I love Pinterest. Oh..you knew that already too? Give me a break..this is hard.
29. The only thing that keeps me on the treadmill is Netflicks. 
30. I love blogging. 

Well, they weren't all interesting..but I did it!

Dr Seuss.....sucks.

Ugh. Ok no he doesn't. The more I Pinterest him, the more I am reminded how many books of his I actually like. 

The Thinks You Can Think is not one of them. 

It is Thane's turn to give P his bedtime bottle and read to him...so of course I pick the worst book ever. The Thinks You Can Think.

I giggled listening to Thane try to read the words...and his response after he finished? "Our kids going to stutter because of that book."

Don't get me wrong..there are a lot of his books that I do enjoy. Just no that one. At all. 

Anyways, I finally got my ass back in the gym this week. 

2 weeks ago I got sick. Big time sick with a terrible cold. I couldn't do anything on my break but nap. I'm pretty sure I was too sick for 2 weeks to do anything. Well...like a week and a half, the last few days was because I had to do stuff for our big Valentine's Day dinner. :)

I feel like crap. I've gained two pounds I feel like I've gained 20. My clothes fit tight again. I feel gross. 

I'm sure 2 pounds didn't make my pants fit tighter...maybe it did though. 

Mentally though, I do not feel good about myself. 

So I'm back in the gym and I will be going back tomorrow. (or I may work out in the morning) Either way...something fantastic happened on Scandal and I NEED to see the next episode!

We have joined the Biggest Loser Bootcamp at work. A bunch of us have signed up to do workouts and eat the menus that some guy from the Biggest Loser has planned out for us. I'm excited about it. I need something to focus on again like when I was on the cleanse. 

Speaking of working out...a great trainer is having an Open House on Saturday!! He can train you and help you achieve your fitness goals. I have heard nothing but great things about Corey...and I will be going on Saturday to see his new place! I know it will be successful!

Here is his Facebook page! 

Digman Fitness

His open house is from 12-3 on Sautrday at Black Belt America on the West Side. I'll be there...you should go too!! You won't be disappointed! 

Day 4- Religion

Yes. I skipped Day 3. 

Well I didn't, I posted it. 5 people read it...and I took it down. 

Girls gotta be careful about some stuff...like today's topic: my view on religion.

I was born and raised Catholic. 

I got confirmed to make my mom happy...and because I knew one day I would to be married in the church. 

Having a full Catholic wedding ceremony wasn't important to me...I did it to make my mom happy. but! After...after it was done I'm glad I did it. A short version would have made it not feel real to me. The real ceremony, the entire hour of it, was special. 

There are so many things in the Catholic religion that I don't agree with. So much. It's so frustrating to me. 

I do not pretend that I understand everything. I don't. I do not know as much about my religion as I should, but that's ok with me. Ignorance is bliss right?

I left our marriage prep classes irate a few times, and then Parker's baptism class upset as well. I don't believe in every aspect of my religion...but who does?

The one thing that drove me most crazy about our marriage prep: if you can not have children your marriage is not legit in the eyes of God. I'm sorry what? I was so upset that I pointed it out to the people at our tables, who had the guts to speak up and ask the speaker about it. (I did not.)

Their argument: "So you're saying if God forbid, I get in a car accident before our wedding, or at any point before we have a child, and I become impotent our marriage becomes null in the eyes of the Catholic church?!" Literally word for word....I will never forget it.  

The speaker fumbled over her words and said, "Um....yes." Which resulted in outraged mumbles at every table and she tried to recover with, "But just to confirm I will ask the priest and get back to you all!" weird how she never got back to us about it....even though someone asked. 

Anyways, there are a lot of things I don't agree with, but when it comes down to it...it's a part of who I am.I feel like I have blogged about this before. I am the person I am today because of the experiences I had going to a Catholic grade school, going to CCD, being raised in a Catholic home, doing all the sacraments. So for that reason...I plan to make our children go through it all too. What can I say...I'm a creature of habit. 

The thing I really believe in is Fate. 

Thane and I meeting...it was in our life line. We were meant to meet that night. The events that led me to that party were so random...I hate downtown house parties, but I gave in to Andrea. It's history from there. 

Parker coming 5 weeks early...fate.

Things have a way of working out because there is a plan already out there. You just have to pay attention to the signs around you to realize it. 

So that's me. Long winded. Don't judge. You have your beliefs and I have mine.

Day Two: 10 Years

Day Two of my Blog challenge.

Yes, I'm aware that it should be Day 3, but I actually had something to write about last night...I'm doing this when I don't have anything to write about. :)

Day Two: Where you would like to be in 10 years. 

I read this "Where will you be in 10 years." so lets answer that one first.

Still in this duplex.

We are going to have 3.5 kids in this duplex. 

We are going to die in this duplex.

Anyway, pity party over.

Real question: In 10 years I see us in a house that we built and love. With 2, maybe 3 kids. 2 boys and a girl. :) 

Bernie will still be alive because we bought him with an extended warranty so he will live forever.

In 10 years, Thane and I will still be blissfully happy. We probably will still be holding our record of only having 1 fight in our entire relationship.

It happened on Feb 11, 2014.  Cause: He didn't make dinner. Effect: We had shitty pizza.

Yes folks. That's our one fight in our entire relationships. 

Weird how it was over food.

Weird how I'm lying. 

In 10 years I will officially be a wrestling mom. 

In 10 years Parker will be 11. (Which is really weird because that doesn't seem that old to me...)

In 10 years I will be 39. (ugggghhhhh)

In 10 years my family will have awesome themed Halloween costumes.

Both Ears Intact

You've all seen his hair. 

It's out of control.

I once had a Russian man stop me at Target and say, "Oh..what happened here?! Did he stick his finger in an outlet?" and his wife goes, "Ohhhh don't worry- it will settle down eventually." (way better story if you actually say that with a Russian accent and then a Wisconsin accent for his wife. Can you say mail order husband?)

I wanted to inform her that I in fact love his hair and it would make me very sad if it settled down. 

It has settled down, a bit. I am hoping this hair cut brings the crazy back. 

So he had this tuft of hair behind his left ear, it was so long it resembled a mullet. 

I'm not ok with mullets.

Too many of them at my wedding...I'm probably scared for life. 

So I grabbed some scissors and set him on his changing pad facing the wall.

"This will be so easy." I thought. 

No. Have you ever seen a kid look at scissors for apparently the first time ever? It makes cutting their hair without cutting their ear off damn near impossible. 

I tried to cut behind his left ear, head turn left. Tried to cut behind his right ear, head turn right. Cut on the top of his head, head slam back and look up. 

I would close the scissors and he would suddenly turn his head. He is really lucky he has both ears still. 

Oiy.

I got a few snips done...just enough to satisfy me. I messed his hair up a bit and stood him up.

I had just given my child a bowl cut.

Shit.

So the inner hair stylist kicks in. We need to take a bath. Wet hair cuts better right?

Bath time over, hair sticking straight up and I'm at it again.

Snip here. Snip there. With an angled scissors of course. Silly amateur Pam from 10 minutes ago was only cutting straight across resulting in a bowl cut. Stylist Pam was cutting at an angle like any good hair cutter. I was even trying to get the razor effect using my scissors. 

He looks ridiculous. Even Thane laughed.

The sides above his ears are super short and straight. The back is a little lopsided. BUT! 

His mullet is gone!! 

He's one.

He won't care about the lopsided back or the choppy sides. He will care that he only had to sport a mullet for a few months of his life.

You're welcome love. 

Day One

Frannie sent me a 30 day writing challenge on Pinterest.

I can't stick with the 30 day fitness challenges on Pinterest..so let's try this.

Challenge accepted. 

Here they are:

Day 1 - Your current relationship, or how single life is
Day 2 - Where you would like to be in ten years
Day 3 - Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 4 - Your views on religion
Day 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life
Day 6 - Write thirty interesting facts about yourself
Day 7 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality
Day 8 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life
Day 9 - What you hope your future will be like
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss
Day 11 - Put your music player on shuffle and write ten songs that pop up
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day
Day 13 - Somewhere you would like to move or visit
Day 14 - Your earliest memory
Day 15 - Your favorite Tumblrs
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year
Day 18 - Your beliefs
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents
Day 20 - How important you think education is
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past two years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of five guys who are famous who you find attractive
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it's about
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you
Day 27 - A problem that you have had
Day 28 - Something that you miss
Day 29 - Goals for the next thirty days
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month

Some of them are good...some suck (Day 5?? ya no.) 

They will all get me to write something though. So that's a win. Have you been thinking about blogging? Well..here's your chance. No more "I have nothing interesting to write about" blah blah. Do it with me. 

Day One: Current relationship or how single life is.

Well this is easy.

My current relationship is "Ball and Chain."

Jooooooooooooookes. 

Status: Madly in love with my baby daddy.

We have been together for since we were 21. 9 years this September. Married 4 years in April.

I never thought I would be this lucky. I never thought I would find someone (college years were rough), but I thank my lucky stars I went to that party that Saturday night and met him. 

I thank my lucky stars that I trusted my gut that night and realized there was something to this guy and didn't stay on the path I had just told myself I was done with. 

I honestly believe that Thane and I would still have ended up together even if I had my head up my butt that night...but it would have taken longer. So I'm glad I figured that out right away. 

So my status: Blissfully exhausted. I think we can both agree on that one. :)

Goal for this week: No more pop!!! I let myself have a Mt Dew on Wednesday and it has been downhill since then. I think I've had a pop every day since. I gained a pound this week.

I'm glad it wasn't more. It's hard to care sometimes. I know I need to, but damnit...I'm a fat lady trapped in a fat lady body. 

Wait.....

So anyways....no pop this week. Doable. 

What to Blog About...

so I Was driving home today and I'm all like "hmm...what should I blog about? I don't have much going on that is exciting or blog worthy since the cleanse. Maybe I'll blog later"

I walk in the house to a laughing baby and smiling husband, is there anything better? No.

Well, soon, the laughing baby turned into a screaming baby tugging at my legs. I pick him up and then think, "hmm..let's try to walk."

So I stand him up...move back to arm's length...let go...aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddd

my screaming baby lit up and walked towards me.

WALKED.

On his own.

I screamed "Thane!!!!" Thane!!!"

Usually at this point P stops and pretends he doesn't know why Thane came running over...but not this time.

Walking...round 2!

I can't believe how awesome it was. It was so exciting. I was so proud of him.

How's that for nothing to blog about? :)

 

New Routine

So Parker is teething. Bad. The worst it has ever been.

Now I get why people have told me were so lucky with his first 5 teeth. Those teeth literally just popped in. One night he was super crabby and slept all night and the next morning BOOM. Teeth.

This time. Ohh this time.

Fever of 101. Crabby. Screaming. Won't sleep. Screaming. Hyper. Won't sleep. Screaming.

Eye teeth blow.

So this is our new nightly routine.

Phase 1: Cute sleepy baby. Parker is cuddling with me on the couch, almost asleep. We cuddle for about 10 minutes until I think he is about to pass out and then we do bedtime.

Phase 2: The bottle. We feed him his bottle. Now usually he takes his bottle and goes down right away. Not during teething. He eats his bottle and then plays with it... and flops around in our arms...and then it's all down hill...

Phase 3: Hyperactivity. You would think I am putting pure cane sugar or Monster in this kid's milk. He finishes it...lays there for about 3minutes and then is on the go. Ready to PAAARTAY. He crawls all over me, hangs off the to of the couch, steps on my rib cage, screams, laughs. Oiy.

Phase 4: We give up. This phase happens when we are exhausted need to sleep. So usually about 10. He lays in his crib for about 15 minutes quietly. Just long enough for us to have the false hope that he went to sleep.

Phase 5: Screaming. He wakes up or just decides he has had enough of this "quiet time" and screams. and screams. and screams. He is angry because he threw his blankie and blanket out of the crib and can no longer chew on them. I have also covered every square inch of the crib that he can chew on so he is mad about that too. So we go get him and he comes in bed for about 10 minutes where he is calm.

Phase 6: Play Time. Round 2. There are so many phases. This phase is where he wants to sit up in bed and play. Last night may have been the best. I "sleep" with him in the nook of my arm so if he moves I wake up. I feel his arm go out...and he starts to pat Thane on the back. Loud. Pat. Pat. PAT. If Parker isn't sleeping..no one is sleeping. He likes to sit up and face us at this point. Loudly chewing on his blankie. Sometimes patting us on the belly. Jabbering. Loudly. So I let this phase go on for about 5 minutes and then he goes to his crib where he finally sleeps.

Phase 7: Midnight to 1. Screaming. Sleeping on the couch. 1 its back to the crib.

Phase 8: 5am. Screaming. Sleeping on the couch.

EIGHT phases. no wonder we are exhausted right now.

My mom said to take out a nap but this all started when he started teething. I really hope once those teeth FINALLY come through my baby will be back to normal. Although....all the extra cuddles make every waking hour at ungodly hours totally worth it.

This kid doesn't cuddle anymore. He is waaaaay too busy. Too much to see. Too much to touch. Too much to put in his mouth.

Cuddling?

Ain't nobody got time for that.