Sunday, September 11, 2016

Getting Back Up on that Horse

I hate horses.

I hate that saying.

I rode a horse once...it was actually a pony.

A pony on it's death bed, stop every 2 minutes to pee pony.

It was awful. I was terrified.

My friends all laughed at me and I clutched the saddle in terror.

I lied. I have been on a hoofed animal twice in my life. The first time was scary as hell also. I was much higher up. I remember clutching it's mane, that is what its called right?, wanting to scream but too scared that it would buck me off.

So here I have this fear of horses and what does my work do every year? Throw a huge carnival with pony rides. Do you know how terrifying it is to watch your son on a pony?

I could see his terror through his gigantic grin. The horror in his gleaming eyes. And that laugh...I could tell he wanted to scream.

Nope. Jk. That was just me being a mom. He had such a good time. The time of his life.I love his laugh. He has such a good belly laugh.

So back to the title. I miss blogging. It's such a good outlet when I had time.

So here I am taking a break from ironing a picture backdrop at 10:45 in my basement bathroom to blog a bit.

I am currently multi tasking and watching Parenthood on my phone while I try to focus and come up with a good blogging topic.

Clearly, not going well.

Ok, that is all. Cause I am over here falling asleep while staring at Joel on Parenthood. He is my favorite. Just so yummy.

Peace out ya'all. Hope to type at you again soon.

First blog in almost a year..gotta get the rust off.


Friday, December 11, 2015

Best and Worst Week Ever Part 2

I went to my appointment the next morning with a rash all over my face, arms, and it was spreading to my torso. I didn't itch...yet. The receptionist and I were talking and she said "Oh! Have you been tanning? You look great!" Ya no....its a rash.

My nurse came out to get me...and her jaw dropped. She recovered and was like..."Oh, um. How are you feeling??" Saw my doctor...her eyebrows raised. She did an examination of my infected area and then obviously focused on my rash. She brought in another doctor to look at me. It had spread since last night. she left with her colleague and came back, sat down, "Ya......I need to admit you." I love my doctor. She said it so awkward because she knew I'd be upset. It was kind of funny. 

Fuck. Parker had his class Halloween Party that day and I was really looking forward to taking him with my mom. So of course, I cried. I cried a lot during these 3 weeks. Luckily my mom was already there to take the boys, and my sister was available to go help my mom with said boys. My family is amazing.

I headed to Meriter calling Thane...crying. Called my mom..crying.

Got to Meriter, back up to the post-partum floor, stopped at the front desk and said "Hi...Checking in, Pam Sutter."

The guy looked at his paperwork, "Ok..um do you know what room she is in?"

I sighed, "no, I'm Pam. I've been readmitted." I guess they don't get many non-pregnant women on that floor. Weird.

So started the longest 2.5 days I've ever had.

It was super frustrating because I was missing 2 Halloween parties and I basically just sat in my room...with no medical treatment. I am not complaining about that, because I was there to be observed to make sure I didn't get worse. My white blood cell counts were pretty low, or high according to Julie, so they had to keep an eye on that and my fever. It's just frustrating because I felt like nothing was being done.

Infectious disease had to come see me. After the 3rd time of that phrase being thrown around I finally asked, "will he be coming in a hazmat suit?" Like wtf? Apparently not. They don't wear suits.

I honestly was looking forward to sleeping a full night sleep...which you don't get in the hospital. They have to come check your vitals every 4 hours. In my case, making sure my temperature didn't come back. Thankfully it didn't.

Day one was so irritating. My body was on fire. I couldn't help but itch. It looked like I had a bad sunburn. I wanted to take a warm shower because I was freezing, but then it would make the rash worse. So they brought me like 5 of those super thin hospital blankets...one of them being warm. That was awesome. 

Kristy came to see me after the party and brought me my computer so I'd have something to do and then sat there with me until Thane could come. Thane brought me shorts because my pants were irritating my legs. 

Day Two: I woke up optimistic. I wasn't itchy. I could go home!!

I flipped the covers off. My rash had spread. to start it was from my head to a few spots on my torso. Now it was all down my legs until my shins. It looked awful. My arms were fully covered, my face was better, but that was it. Almost every part of my body was covered..except my feet, but that was coming. 10 minutes later my body was on fire again.

They brought me some lotion to try and help. One lotion was a steroid so I could only use it sparingly on the worst parts...twice a day. Ya, try figuring out what part of your body itches the most...when the whole damn thing feels like you bathed in poison ivy. 

I showered...terrified. Once again, I wanted a warm shower but even warm water irritated my skin. Taking a semi-cold shower while in the hospital sucks. A lot. Add that shitty temperature to the anxiety that you're going to miss your doctor coming in..showers are really stressful. 

My sister came and hung out with me all day, which probably kept me sane. 

Thane brought the boys Friday night so I could see them and we watched a movie. 

Saturday I woke up...and I still wasn't better. It was totally gone from my face, and my chest was fading. I cried a lot on Saturday. I didn't think I'd be going home. It was Halloween..my favorite holiday. I wanted out. 

My nurse was amazing. She hugged me every time she came in...because I cried every time she came in. 

My infectious disease doctor came back and said my blood counts were much better, not good, but better. I shouldn't head to Freak Fest that night that is for sure. He said that like 5 times...in his dry humor. I was like "nope...just want to take my kids Trick or Treating!" He told me to stay away from large crowds because I could easily catch anything and get really sick. 

My doctor came in, chatted a bit, and said I could go home!!!

My rash was due to the fact that I am apparently allergic to Sulfa. So no more Bactrum antibiotic in my future. 

An hour late I busted out of there and *never* want to see a hospital again. 

I came home, in time for the tail end of Parker's nap and just in time to get ready to Trick or Treat. I was exhausted and didn't want to go. I think I snuck in a nap, which was great until I had to wake up. Shouldn't have napped. 

We went out and it was kinda crappy. Not as bad as last year, but when you don't feel well...if its not perfect weather anything feels crappy. We walked down my brother and sister in laws street and then down another. Ya, didn't realize the other street was a huge hill...and we'd have to go back up.

I felt horrible, and I finally understood why my doctor was all like "Don't stay out too long!!" I apparently was sick on top of the rash. Great. Thane pushed the stroller up the hill and I just focused on not passing out. We stopped at my in laws house and I tried to keep it together but I felt horrible. So I sat. 

We had to go to his parent's house, so we headed out there. We got inside and my body was done. I sat on the couch and didn't want to move. Thane's dad wasn't going to be in from the barn for another hour and a half and I almost cried. There was no way I'd make it that long. 

We ended up going home soon after that and I have no memory of what happened the rest of the night. I'm sure I got comfy on the couch and woke up 4 times to feed Jensen.

I had another appointment with my doctor about a week after and my rash was still there. Not as dark, but still there. She told me that if I still had it in a week that I'd need to come in again. Thankfully that didn't happen. 

We were talking and I told her some other things that were going on and she got a weird look on her face. "....I think you may have another infection. We need to do some tests."

You have got to be joking. 

Did some tests. Yup. Another infection. A crazy one that required me to be on an antibiotic for 10 days and take it 3 times a day. Do you know how hard it is to remember to take an antibiotic 3 times a day when I cant even remember if I brushed my teeth that day?

So when Jensen was 3 weeks oldish...I was finally fine. I felt human again. My incision still hurt and that was nerve wracking, but I had a few more doctor appointments and they kept a close eye on it. It sucks because that is 3 weeks I won't get back. They were pretty much wasted time on my leave. I could barely take care of myself let alone my kids. Thank god for my family..they all really stepped up. 

If you're pregnant and looking for a clinic. Madison Women's Health on Research Park. I love everyone there. 

Best and Worst 3 Weeks Ever.

So I could have literally been on an episode of House.

Or at least, that is how I felt during this time.

All I can say, is thank GOD for my mom. Without her help and magically being where we needed her to be at the right time. it would have been way harder and beyond stressful. More stressful than it already was.

Let's start with the shiver fits.

I thought they were semi normal because I had one with Parker. It was awful. I remember I sat in our leather recliner to feed Parker and my body went into shock. I had to give Parker to Thane because I was scared I was going to drop him I was shaking so bad. I crawled in bed, turned our electric blanket up on high, and cried because we had no idea what was going on. I'll never forget the look on Thane's face while he held Parker just staring at me...no idea what to do.

Luckily that one passed, and I didn't have any more.

Not so lucky this time. My shiver fits were way worse and way more common and would start for no reason. and if I got a slight chill...game over.

I walked around in tights, sweatpants, a long sleeve shirt, and my robe. Looking back, prooooobbaly should have gone to the doctor sooner. Maybe should have taken my temperature more? They got so bad that I could function but not without my body literally shaking as I made a bottle or my teeth chattering. I got lucky and about half the time they would happen when Thane was pulling in the driveway or someone was here.

It all came to a head when we got Parker's hair cut. Mom and I took the boys into town and we happened to pass Thane, who turned around and met us there.

I had been having some pain in my incision sight, on the left side, but nothing I couldn't handle and I thought it was normal because I was doing a little more than I probably should have. During the hair cut I wanted to stand next to P and help him out, but I had to sit down halfway through because I was too weak and didn't feel right.

We got home and I could barely get out of the car. I told mom and Thane I had to tap out. I turned the heat up and settled in on the couch with my heating blanket on high...and shivered so bad I was pretty much convulsing. I called to my mom and asked her to bring me a heavier blanket. She looked really confused and got me another one...and then I asked her to get me a thermometer. Clearly I wasn't right.

Yup. 103. or some crazy shit like that. Maybe even 104.

I called my doctor but since it was so close to their closing time, they told me to go to the ER. I sat up to get up...and could barely move. The pain that had been in my incision had now traveled up to the side of my stomach and it was awful. I'd like to say it was about the same level of pain as a contraction. I hobbled into Thane, who had fallen asleep in the chair, and asked him if he wanted to take me in or if my mom should.

He hopped up, we packed a bag, filled my mom in on how to ya know...feed my infant. It was so hard to leave knowing she hadn't fed him yet and he had this tongue thing going on that made it really hard to feed him. I barely made it to the car and we headed into the ER at like 4:30pm.

I swear Thane hit every bump on the way to the hospital. I just squeezed my eyes shut and tried to survive. We got to the ER, I could barely walk. They had to actually get me a wheel chair to get from the intake room to my exam room..which was like 20 feet away.  I'm pretty sure if we had waited about 30 more minutes to do something I would have had to call an ambulance. It was that bad.

So, got admitted and so started the longest afternoon into night of my life. We were there from 4:30 to midnight.

I had a doctor or 2 come in and both were puzzled. Usually when you have an infection in your incision area, its the whole thing...not just one side...and the pain doesn't travel up. I got a lot of "huh"s.

I ended up getting a CT Scan because they didn't know if it was a normal infection, a gigantic blood clot, or an abscess. Have you ever had a CT Scan? They make you drink some awful drink that they throw in some Crystal Light to mask the flavor..and it is SO bad. Within like 10 minutes your stomach is gurgling and you're worried you're going to pull a Bridesmaids moment. Terrible. Absolutely terrible.

Headed up for the CT Scan...and started crying. I tried to keep it together, but my God it was stressful and scary. I wanted to be home with my babies. I wanted to be the one feeding Jensen his bottle. I wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me. I wanted to not be in pain. I wanted to not convulse. I wanted to know what the hell a CT Scan was.

I made it through the CT Scan. The person who was helping me was amazing. Put me at ease and was as sweet as can be. I was so thankful. After the scan we headed back to my room and got some more "huh"s and was put on some more IVs.

Finally around 11:30, they came in and told me its just an infection, put me on some antibiotics and started discharge papers.

I could walk much better when I left, but I still opted for the wheelchair,  and we both headed home exhausted.

Flash forward a week and a half..still having shiver fits but I could walk again. During one shiver fit I powered up my heated blanket and put it on my legs while I waited for it to pass. When it passed I was sweating. This had been going on a few times. Freezing...sweating...freezing..sweating. It was my new norm. Took my temp. 101. Then again 99. Then 103. Ugh.

I went to take a shower..took off my long sleeve shirt...........had a rash.

I called my mom just exasperated. Just done. Wtf...was it from my blanket?

I called my doctor and let them know what was going on. Since I had an appointment the next morning at 8am they told me to sit tight unless it got worse.

Ya, it got worse.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Sympathy Pregnancy

3.19.15

I have heard about them and always wondered if they were possible. Thane didn't have one with Parker, but this time....who knows?

The other day we were talking about his work and he randomly mentions how hungry he has been. "Ya, I eat my breakfast and then I'm starving around like 930. I barely make it to lunch and then around 2:30 I need to eat again...and then by time I get home I'm SO hungry."

Sounds an awful lot like my life right now....like exactly. So I teased him about having a sympathy pregnancy, when in reality it is probably because he climbs 8 flights of stairs like 70 times a day right now.

Then I gave into my jelly bean craving and bought two bags. I open them, have a few and put them away. A few minutes later Thane wanders into the kitchen and takes the bag with him back to the living room...and proceeds to eat like half of it. 

I just stood tehre with my mouth open watching him devour my pregnancy craving and being pissed because now when I "needed" them at 1:30 in the morning..they would all be in his damn belly. He finally looks at me and stops mid-hand shovel, "What?"

"Well, I didn't realize I was needing to feed your craving for jelly beans as well..."

He just shrugged and said, "Ya;...me either!"

To top it off, we had a Pi Day bridal shower so I was able to come home with some pie. Some amazing pie. 4 slices of it. 

I eat one...and it was delicious. I forgot to mention to Thane that if he ate the rest I would hurt him. 

So a few nights ago I am sitting in bed at 10:30 watching TV when suddenly I'm all like, "I NEED toast. Right now." I crawl out of bed and walk to the kitchen, and what do I find?

My husband. Bent over our kitchen table. Reading the paper, shoveling my pie in his pie hole, with the fridge door WIDE open. 

I just stopped and stared. Once again...mid face shovel, "What?" 

"Well why the F is the fridge door open?!!? and is that my pie!?" I look closer and there is 1.5 pieces left. 

He closes the door and goes "Um..I thought it was our pie?"

I looked at it, "How many pieces have you had??"

He grins..."This is my second?"

"And you would have eaten that 3rd if I hadn't just come out...don't you touch that 3rd piece."

"Well...I mean I wouldn't have eaten it tonight....but ya. I would have had it for breakfast."

UGH! I find it very interesting that at the exact moment I had a craving...he was already filling his. 

For the record. I ate my pie the next night...at 2am. 

Stop judging. 



Hungry Hungry Hippo

2-17-15

When does the extra hunger kick in?

I am hungry...but I think the amount and how often I'm hungry is all in my head. There is no reason a baby as big as a poppyseed wants an egg, a bagel and then is still thinking about what is for lunch.

No, I think that is all in my head.

I should probably be careful because I'd like to actually show with this baby. I hate that awkward "Is she fat? or pregnant?" stage. I have a fear that may be my whole pregnancy.

I forgot that I stutter big time while pregnant.

Being tired is already a trigger of my stuttering, so as you can imagine it is pretty prevalent during pregnancy.

I had to give a tour today and it took everything in me to spit out every word...and stand up straight. No more coffee is slowly taking at tole on me.

Obviously its for a fantastic reason, but man. A stutter and no coffee? Ugh. But I guess it is better than getting sick every morning for 5 months.

Naps are quickly becoming my favorite thing in the world again. Today I had to stay late at work and instead of going to do my errands before I got P...I took a nap in the back. If it was warmer I would just go sleep in my car like I did when I was pregnant before...but no way today. It was bitter cold out!


1st Trimester Screening

4-16-15

We opted out out of this for Parker because it didn't matter. No matter what happened during that test it wouldn't change our minds. So what was the point?

This time we decided to do the screening.

Honestly, I really just wanted the ultrasound because our first 2 really sucked. We also thought it might be a good idea to just have a heads up in case anything were wrong with B Sutts II.

We did decide that we wouldn't take it past the ultrasound. If anything abnormal showed up we would deal with it and see what happens. At least we would know beforehand and not find out at birth.

Today was said test. Thane couldn't come with me because he had already gone into work late this week and he was going to try to be at P's program, so I went alone.

Bad idea.

Woke up this morning and rushed around getting ready. I had to be downtown by 8:00. Great time to try to get downtown. Dummy.

I go out to my car and notice that P's car seat isn't put back in my car. The car seat that I have *never* put in. I grumble and walk over to Thane's truck to put my stuff in when I realize I'm about to take his gigantic truck downtown Madison. No. Dumb idea.

So now I'm pissed. Beyond pissed. I have 4 minutes to figure out how to put a car seat in that I have never put in before. Great. Just great.

I call Thane and surprisingly hold back from swearing....and I manage to get the car seat in.

We head into work and of course I get stuck behind every slow person in the world. In. The.World.

Get to school and I try to rush Parker in. Ya.....that was smart. I pretty much had to leave him at the front door while I punched him in for the day. Then I had to go back and drag him away from the door because he was silently protesting walking into school. He is getting really good at that.

I rush him into his room, rush him to wash his hands, but I don't rush my goodbye. I never rush that. I hate saying goodbye to him in the morning. I gave him a million kisses and a pep talk for his concert, set him by his BFF and left.

I pull in the garage at 8:02...I was supposed to be there at 8 to check in. I am starving. So starving I'm drooling over the thought of a banana.

I walk in, stressed out about the time, and am hit with the most amazing coffee smell EVER. I miss coffee. So much.

I walk to the front desk...and then turn around. I need some food or I may pass out at this 2 hour appointment. I stand in line to by a yogurt parfait and when it is my turn she takes my card...and the guy who was in front of me broke the coffee pot handle.....

Seriously? I have 3 minutes to make it to my appointment and now everyone's attention is on the fricking coffee pot. "How could this happen!?" "Oh my gosh! How do we fix it!?" "I'm so sorry..it's been a morning!"

Come on..can I have my card back? I really need to go....

I finally get my card and walk to the elevator while reading my directions...its not feeling right. I turn around to the front desk. They ask me if I have pre-registered...to which I reply, "No...I'm a wreck right now."

Apparently, I was registered and I almost got on an elevator to the wrong place. Sweet life Pam.

After I did my paperwork I was left to my thoughts...and I got nervous. What if the tests showed something? I wished Thane had come. This was a lot to deal with on my own.

The genetic counselor came to get me and she was amazing. Sweetest person ever and put me at ease right away.

We went back to her office to talk things over and get some information on our family. I was fine up until the point where she gave me some paperwork on the illnesses they could find and we started to talk about it.

Obviously I knew what they were looking for, but when you actually hear a medical person tell you that they could find life threatening issues with your baby...it's a whole new ballgame.

I held back my tears as long as I could. It wasn't that long.

After that emotional meeting, I got to sit on a hard bench and wait to see my baby. This was the point where I really really wish Thane was with me.

The ultra sound tech came and got me and we headed back. She had the driest personality I have ever had the pleasure of taking too for about an hour too long.

So began the most uncomfortable and emotional ultrasound I have ever had.

First of all, she had to push so hard to get the type of pictures that she needed for her measurements. It really took away from the experience and the joy of seeing my child. When you have to breath through her rolling over your belly. Ugh.

When she got to the part where she measured the thickness of our babies neck to see the chances of our baby having down syndrome were, I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. I think it is if it measures over 4cm, the chances are higher for down syndrome. So I held my breath with each measurement she took..and tried to keep it together.

At one point, the baby wasn't cooperating and I had to get up and walk around. Hey..anything to prolong this wonderful experience.

Thankfully, in the end, every image showed that he was ok. No awful life threatening disease and from what she could tell no down syndrome.

If we decide to have a 3rd...we will *not* be doing this test.

Although, when I was telling another ultra sound tech that I wouldn't do this test again she did make a good point. "Wouldn't you want to know if your child wasn't going to make it very long after they were born? Wouldn't it change the way you parent for that short time?"

She told me that some of the diseases they can catch during that screening, they wouldn't catch right away when the baby was born without the screening. So, when you put it that way..maybe we would do the screening again...


Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Nights are Long...

The other night was night 2 of Thane staying up for a final feeding while I go to bed around 10. This way I get a few solid hours of sleep, and he helps out but gets to sleep through the rest of the night because he has to work. 

Well...its the idea that I'd get to sleep a solid few hours. 

Of course at this point, we were on night 2 of the awesomeness known as cluster feeding. 

I crawled into bed, exhausted while Thane stayed up with J watching TV.

I woke up to J screaming during a diaper change...and ya know, stayed in bed for a while. Thane could handle it. 

I woke up again to him crying and I checked the time. 

11:48.

I realized Thane needed to be up in 5 hours to go to work. I needed to get my ass out of bed and take his spot. 

He was finishing up feeding Jensen so I just sat with him. I was going to let him burp him..and most likely get puked on. It was too early in my night to have that happen.

He sighed, looked at me and said "He can smell fear."

I shook my head. "No babe, that was Parker. Jensen can smell sleep. The second you lay down, get comfy, and close your eyes he wakes you back up."