Skipping the Boob

I read another mom's blog this morning and I was so relieved. Every word, well almost, that she wrote was my story. ( Mom's blog )

Breastfeeding for P didn't go well. In fact, I hated it. 

Yes, I just said that. 

I'm sure some of you just cringed and are thinking, "What the hell is wrong with her?! Breastfeeding is the most beautiful and natural thing in this world!"

It was not a beautiful bonding thing for me. 

It was 10 minutes of my child screaming bloody murder while I tried to find any way to make him latch. It was 10 minutes of biting back tears. It was 10 minutes of wondering what I was doing wrong. It was 10 minutes of feeling like an absolute failure...several times a day. and then 5 minutes of pulling myself together after I passed him off to Thane for his formula. 

Then sometimes...it was 25 minutes of me pumping only to get 6 oz. 25 minutes of pain to feed my child 1/4 of his meal.

Meanwhile, Thane gets to cuddle him and feed him his bottle. 

To me, that was not enjoyable. I began to dread feeding time. I was relieved when Thane would agree to just do a bottle. Then I could sit and rock with my baby and just stare at him and get lost in his little features. No tears. No stress. No screams. No failure. Just smiles. and ALF...there was a lot of AlF being watched. 

I think we tried for 2 or 3 weeks to breastfeed and it didn't get better. He maybe latched twice. Those two times were amazing. He was so happy. I was happy. The world was happy. But it was only twice.

The doctors think it was because P was so early that my body didn't have time to get fully ready to produce. They think that because he was so early he didn't have that latching motion down or have the ability to have it down. We already had to supplement with formula because he was preemie...so that didn't help either. 

I will never forget our last visit with P's first doctor. This is why I believe in fate. This doctor was in our life for a reason..no matter how short it was. 

We had new insurance kicking in in just a few days and P had to go to the doctor because he was very very congested. We are sitting there talking and he asks how breastfeeding is going.

I instantly felt guilty and we say, "ya..not well." He nods and asks how many ounces I am getting each time.  I sigh, "About 6 to 8."

His jaw dropped. "For 3 weeks??"

I nodded, close to tears.

"You should be getting so much more than that. Why are you still doing this?? Why are you putting yourself through this? You don't have to breastfeed! Do you need me to tell you to stop?"

I nod slowly. 

"STOP! You don't have to do it! Formula is great!!"

and I burst into tears. Trying not to sob. 

It felt like a 2 ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

He then stocked us full of samples and sent us on our way.

Parker's new doctor, whom we love, is a renowned lactation specialist. She would not have been so quick to help me with my problem. Maybe I took the easy way out, feel free to think that, but it was the best decision for our family and I thank God we had our 1st doctor. 

I still got to spend time with Parker and bond...and so did Thane. 

I think it is great when you breastfeed, don't get me wrong. I used to be jealous of it.It is a beautiful thing and I'm sure the bond you create is just fantastic.

But you know what? Not everyone can. Not everyone loves it. It drives me nuts when people act like breastfeeding is the only way to go or when they make negative comments about formula feeding. Parker turned out juuuuust fine thank you very much. 

Everyone parents different and they have a reason for doing so. This is why I really liked that video that had every single type of mom in it, which of course I can't find. The one with breast feeding, formula feeding, stay at home, working, organic, over protective etc...and the end message was in the end we are all parents. Stop judging each other. 

Found it!! We are all Parents

Shit like this "comic" is what pisses me off:

My Night Life

is something to be envied. 

Especially last night.

I think Parker is getting a molar. He is drooling. He is crabby. He bit a fork so hard at school that he bent it.

Word on the street is that teething is worse at night. I'm a believer.

The past few nights he has NOT gone to bed. It has been crazy. He stands at his door screaming. "mooooooooooooooooooooooommy!!! Mommy!! Daddy? Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddy???????" It's horrible. It's heart breaking. Last night was no different. 

So its 9:45 and he is at his door. A full hour after we started bedtime, and doing his routine of screaming our names. Finally, I look at Thane and say..."Just go get him. He almost died today, I want him in bed with us."

That's a whole different story, and I may be exaggerating a bit, but it was still a really scary phone call to get. He was eating lunch and started to choke on an apple chunk. They had to push on his stomach to get it out. I am still a little unclear on how it came out, but I know it was bad enough that the teachers were pretty frazzled and then got even more worried when he fell asleep right away at nap time. (Which I reassured that that he fell asleep because he was up til 10:15 the night before.) Apparently he had been talking while chewing and inhaled his apply chunk. I still get worked up thinking about it and I was worried that something would happen to him in the middle of the night. Typical mom fear right?

So anyways. Thane gets him, he comes in bed and is beyond pumped that Thane is watching Iron Man. I have never heard him giggle so hard or say so many "oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"s. Pretty soon he was jumping all over our bed. Ugh. Clearly he was ok.

So finally Thane turned of the TV and took P back to his room. I believe we let him cry it out that time...because I fell asleep. 

This is where it gets good. 

At some ungodly hour he wakes up screaming again. Thane had to get up early to work this morning so I went in and the plan was just to lay with him til he fell back asleep.

That was not P's plan.

He wanted to have a full on tantrum because...he was awake? I have no idea why he was so mad. He then went in his closet and sat in a laundry basket full of clothes that are too small for him. He just sat there. For like 10 minutes. I finally got up to get a grown up blanket, and he lost it when I left the room. I came back in and laid down waiting for him to crawl out of his basket and join me. 

Well, he didn't like that I was ignoring him, so he moved to the dresser by his bed and started to scream all over again. 

At this point all you can do is laugh. I closed my eyes and then............

the Superbowl commercial with the kid who is dead pops into my head. That dresser he was trying to climb behind wasn't secured to the wall. What if it falls on him while I am a foot away???? 

Anyways. I got him to get in bed. I finally gave him some meds and he fell asleep.

I went back to bed...it was 1:30.

1:51 he is screaming again. I make Thane go get him. 

1;55. Parker is sharing my pillow with his arm across my face.

1:56. Bernie jumps in bed and lays across my knees.

1:56:24 . I yell at Bernie and he jumps down.

1:57. Bernie jumps back in and lays between my legs. Yes. My 110 pound dog is laying sideways at my knees. 

1:57:12. I yell at Bernie and he jumps down.

1:58. Bernie jumps up and lays next to my legs.

2:10. Bernie has moved his body to laying on my calves and P's head is in my shoulder blades. 

2.10:58. I have had enough. I grab my pillow and head to the couch.

2:12 I have settled in.

2:12:45. Bernie's nose is on my neck. ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!!?

6:40. Thane gets up. "Oh..I didn't know you were out here."

6:41. I make myself get up so I can lay by P and make sure he doesn't fall out of our bed and I find this...

He is laying sideways in our bed and has drooled on my side. 

I scoot him over and we are both passed out in like 30 seconds.

9 am rolls around and I wake up with him literally in my face. "MOMMY!!!!" and the biggest grin ever on his face.

I couldn't love this kid anymore. 

52 Week Gratitude Challenge

I want to blog more. 

Simple right?

No.

I'm exhausted right now. Mentally and physically. But blogging makes me feel better. It makes me centered. It makes me focus on what happened in my day or it helps me work through something that annoyed me recently. 

I was going to follow this gratitude challenge, but I just realized that is super boring to read. It's not really my goal to bore people who actually read my random thoughts. 

I did pin some blogging inspiration today. I'm sure a lot of those suck too. Do you really want my "Best Soup Recipe?"

No. If you want to see the food I like, please visit my Pinterest page. 

Do you really want to know the meaning behind my Tumblr name? 

No. I barely know what Tumblr is and if I had it I'm sure my username would be psutter. If you can't figure out the deep meaning behind that well....

Do you really want to know what I do when I'm home alone? 

I'm sure you do. But it wouldn't be a whole post. I lay in bed and watch tv...or I sleep. I lead a pretty exciting life. Do you know the last time I was home alone? It may have literally been about 6 hours before my water broke. I am now that mom that goes to Target alone and enjoys every friggin minute of it. 

Do you really want me to bullet my whole day?

No. Well, I mean maybe? but you can just check my Facebook for that. I don't need to blog about it. 

Do you really care what is in my purse?

Unless we are playing a game at a baby shower I don't care either. But if you get bonus points for a diaper, wipes, Target receipt, coupons, 5 colored pens, a planner, notebook, giantaic wallet, and gum wrappers well then shit....I win. 

Wanna know what I crave a lot?

Oreos. Blog done.

So anyways...my point is that a majority of the blog post challenges I have found are dumb. I guess I will just keep opening my laptop and write whatever comes flows out of my fingers. 

Mawwage.

"Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us together today"

Name that movie.

It's easy.

"Mawidge is a dweam wiffin a dweam. The dweam of wuv wapped wiffin the gweater dweam of everwasting west. Eternity is our fwiend, wemember that, and wuv wiw fowwow you fowever.” 


In addition to my New Year's Resolution of saving money and paying off debt I decided I need to work on my marriage.

We are in no way in trouble. We are totally happy..totally fine.

But have you ever been at work day dreaming...cause I haven't! I'm totally focused every minute on the tasks I need to get done....

But one time, I was daydreaming and I thought "I miss Thane."

I had just seen him the night before..and the night before that..and the 3 nights before that, but I haven't had a real conversation with him in a few days. Just the typical "How was your day?" "Love you" "Parker didn't poop today" conversations. We hadn't cuddled in a while. I missed him.

I'm a person that thrives on touch. I like to hold his hand. I like to hug him..blah blah. When I had P that was one of the things that really threw me. I wasn't able to sleep next to Thane for probably over a month. Between being in the hospital bed and having to sleep on the couch because I couldn't lay in our bed without screaming in pain I didn't get to lay next to him. I sleep better when I get to push him out of the bed. 

We kinda sleep like this...

So anyways, my resolution. 

I decided that we need a date night every week. 

A date night that doesn't cost us any money and doesn't require us to leave our house...and doesn't require me to put on real pants or wear a bra. 

Don't be all like "Woaaahhh Pam. TMI." Don't act like you like your bra. 

So I have made Wednesday night our date night. It consists of coming home, getting the bare minimum done, hanging out with Parker. Then when we put P down it's Date Night!

We crawl in bed............and watch Netflix!

 Yaaaaaaaaaaaa baby! Well, unless we really need to catch up on our DVR..then we watch that. 

It may not be anything huge, but I look forward to it.

I know its time that I get to put my cold ass feet on his legs and hear him complain. It's a time that I get to yell at him when he moves and pulls the blankets off me just a little bit which upsets the balance of blanket pressure. It's a time where I get to lay next to him and pretend I didn't just fall asleep for the the last 10 minutes of NCIS. It's a time where I get to zone out and be next to my husband... and sometimes we even have a real conversation!!

Our marriage is just fine, but I like to put a little more effort in on Wednesdays. Now that I'm rereading it....it doesn't' really seem like we are putting any effort in on Wednesdays..it seems we are just being lazy. But we are being lazy together. That is what keeps a marriage strong.

Until Aaron Rodgers shows up. 

Parker is Officially 2!

It's not official until you have the birthday party. 

Thane asked me why I cared so much about everything being perfect for the party..well duh honey, your kid only turns 2 and 13 days once! 

Parker is in love with trucks. All kinds of trucks. Anything with wheels really. So this year we did a construction themed birthday. It was awesome. 

I got most of the decorations from an ETSY seller in a download for like $12. Which was a great way to go because I could personalize a lot of them. This came in really handy at noon the day of his party when I decided that I didn't have enough signs hanging around the house. 

I got plastic hardhats, cool construction balloons and CAUTION tape from Amazon for under $20. Win!

I put the food in dump trucks, what I could at least. I tried to put the Dirt in a dump truck with no tailgate....it was almost a disaster until my sister helped me tape a plate to the back. didn't look pretty..but you gotta do what you gotta do when your vision doesn't work out. 

My favorite part was the construction site. I was just going to use a wrapping paper tupperware bin we have, but when I went to get it I realized it wasn't big enough to be what I wanted. I was scanning our basement for something I could use when I saw a spindle from our deck laying under the coffee table. Why was it there? No idea, but I'm guessing it was laying there waiting to give me inspiration. Lucky for Thane.

I ran out to the garage and got 8 of them and brought them back in for him to drill. He was a little confused and annoyed that I didn't ask him about 30 minutes earlier when he had his tools in the house. I informed him that creativity doesn't work that way.  It just comes to you..it can't be rushed. ;) So he screwed the spindles together for me and Voila! We have a construction site.

I was just going to lay a black table cloth down and put some rice down. I'm glad I didn't do that. I did however buy a 25# bag of rice that I now have no need for. So that's cool. 

I knew that bag wouldn't be enough for how big the site was, so I went to Menards to get some gravel. It was $3 a bag! So I got 2. When it came to pouring it in, I didn't think a cheap plastic table cloth would be enough, so I put some towels down first. Thank God I did because now there are holes in said table cloth. Not that we don't have gravel everywhere else in the playroom..so it really didn't save us that much mess. 

It looks so innocent. 

This morning it looked like this. 

We may have pea gravel all over our house right now...but it is worth it. P loved it. He played in it almost the entire party. Which if you have or have ever had a 2 year old, you know that if they spend more than 15 minutes doing the same activity it's a God send. 

His cake turned out perfect! It matched my Pinterest vision to a tee. :) 

Pinterest version...

My version. Thank god for Pinterest! 

I just got a cake from COSTCO and then decorated it myself. I had some small trucks, but they were kind of big. On a whim I stopped at Target Friday to see if they had anything that would fit better and of course they did! $5 for 5 or 6 CAT vehicles. Sounds good to me! 

P had a great birthday. Everyone was so generous with gifts. He got the coolest stuff. We should probably put his playroom back together so he can play with it all! Thank you everyone who came! We love you! 

Where Can't You Go

because you'll see an ex?

I was listening to the radio the other morning and they asked this question...along with like 30 other ones..right in a row. It was really strange.

Why are you asking all these questions that could have great answers and not letting your callers call in? Clearly I missed something vital to their discussion. Anyways, they asked, "Where can't you go because you know you'll see an ex there?"

My instant response was "Richland Center" and then I laughed.

Yes. I like to avoid Richland Center all together. I only "dated" two guys from there I think...but man would it be awkward to run into them.

I know it was like 10 years ago...but still. I feel like every time I go to Walmart with my mom I am on high alert. Scanning the crowd like I'm an FBI agent or something. Getting ready to full body dodge into an aisle and pull her with me. Yes mom....I wouldn't leave you alone in that awkwardness....even though you never met these guys.

If I had Thane with me though...I would loop arms with him and proudly walk by. I might even smile and say hi. My husband is super hot. I'd be all like, :Oh hey! How have you been the past 10 years? I got fat, but have you met my uber hot husband? Isn't his beard sexy?" Ya....I would. 

Whenever I think about this stuff it makes me even more thankful for Thane. I can't even imagine where I would be in life if I hadn't met him. Which never would have happened ..because we were supposed to meet each other.

The fact that he came into my life a week after I swore off pointless "relationships"...and not the night 2 weeks before that we had talked on the phone for like 45 seconds...is amazing to me. He came into my life when I was at my strongest, when I felt that I didn't have to settle. He was exactly who I needed in my life I just had to wait until it was the right time for him to be in my life. 

I just tried to find the blog of how we met...I have a LOT of posts. Couldn't find it. You should go back and read some...they are all pretty good. :) 

I love hearing how people met. Our story fits us perfectly.

So I found this...and found it hilarious because of a story a friend just told me.....

It's a Train Damnit.

So. Parker's birthday is tomorrow. He is turning 2.

TWO.

I don't really understand how we got here so fast. I'm not sure I like it.

But anyways. We aren't having a party until later this month for a few reasons, but one main one is that I want to spend the day with him. I don't want to share him with anyone but Thane. :)

We are going to go to the Children's Museum and maybe the Toy Show. Nap and Packer game allowing.

So I went to Wal-Mart and bought this:

yummy. Simple. Pisbury Dough Boy- you can't go wrong with him. It's just a simple cake because it will just be us 3 eating it. He will have a cool one for his party...I hope. 

So I turn the box over to see what I need. Thank God we actually have eggs for once. I would have been really annoyed if I had just eaten the last of them for breakfast and Thane's phone is dead so I can't call him to go get some at the gas station for like $6/dozen. (I wish I was exaggerating) #smalltownliving. So then I get to this part:

Hmm..so many options. I was just going to use a 9x13 pan, but hell...let's do a bundt pan! K..where the hell is my bundt pan? Believe it or not...I haven't used it since we moved in. So I take a guess as to which are of the kitchen it will be in and I start digging. I stuble upon my bread pans and think, "wait a minute....I should make P a train cake! He would love that!"

Then I think, "Really Pam? A train cake? You only bought one mix...and you don't make cakes like that." So off to Pinterest I went. 15 minutes later I think I found something I can make....

I mean, this kid looks pumped...P will be too! I look at the directions. I think I may be able to pull this one off...buuuuuuuuuuuuuut I only have one cake mix. So, he will just have the train! Next, you need mini loaf pans. Ya...don't have those. So Let's hope this works. 

I mix it all up, pour it in two bread pans and hope for the best. 

The glass one has way less batter in it. My idea is use that one to make the cab of the train. I may have to cut it up and stack it.

I'm getting more nervous about this looking like a train. 

At least I have the Oreos for the wheels...if I stop eating them while I type that is. 

So, it's 10:30 and I still have a cake to assemble. Thankfully I have Thane and Grace here to keep me not bitchy and I got to work. 

Now to make the train. First I did this...and I didn't like it. 

 Then I did this...and it was ok? but not quite right...

then Thane came over and turned the short piece of cake...and VOILA! Thomas was born. 

 then I realized that I probably don't have enough frosting, but I'm in luck because I do have an extra can in the pantry. It's from Valentines day, but I was crossing my fingers it wasn't pink. 

Awesome. 

Then I realized I could just use the pink to put the pieces together and you would never see it. I'm a friggin genius. 

So I made some blue for Thomas and got to creating......

I'd say it's pretty close!!

I think he even knew who it was supposed to be!! He gasped when he saw it :)