What a F'in Morning.

Yes...it was that good. 

I started at 6:40 with an alarm clock. (Cue 100+ pound dog flying off the bed.) I flung myself over to shut it off so I wouldn't wake Thane up, but some some reason I couldn't shut it off. 

Ya. It wasn't mine. Thane has to work this morning and he was sleeping through the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeping.  

6:41- alarm is finally shut off.

6:42. Whimpering dog. 

Bernie doesn't whimper when he has to pee. He just sits there and puts his paw on Thane. Repeatedly. Its hard to ignore a 100 pound dog hitting you with his paw. This morning though...whimpering. Whimpering = I'm about to pee on your floor. 

Thane was also sleeping through this...so I got up to let him out. 

What's this dog do? Poop juuuuuust over the land line in our neighbor's yard. The neighbor who hates us because our dog poops in his yard. I can't go clean it up though..because who wears pants to let their dog out at 6:42 in the morning?

I went back to bed. I wake up at 7:30. No Parker crying....check the monitor to make sure its on. It is. Win. Fall back asleep.

8:30 I wake up again. Check the time. Freak out. 

I ran to check to make sure my son was still breathing. He NEVER sleeps til 8:30. He has to be not breathing. (Ya...apparently that fear never goes away.) Nope. I throw open his door and he is just sitting there...chewing on his blankie....smiling. 

Oiy. I realize I feel like shit. Parker let me sleep til 8:30....I don't even know the last time that happened. 

Anyways, I had to go into Madison today to mail some stuff, and I was going to work out. The plan was to leave by 9:30. Weird how I talked myself out of that. I decided at 9 that we were going to go in. 

So....make breakfast...get Parker dressed...get myself dressed..Bernie proof. Go. Easy right? (ya..you read that blog post)

Fast forward. I got Parker all dressed and we went in to get myself somewhat presentable. It's just the UPS store....its kinda like Wal-Mart right? As I'm putting on my make-up I hear the famous "poop grunts." Of course. 

Finish up myself and go clean up P. Then I remember that Bernie pooped in the neighbor's yard. Its a nice day and he is *obsessed* with mowing his yard. So I take all the kids outside to pick up. 

I let Parker walk down the sidewalk that is right next to our house, the one that leads to the door, while I run to the spot where Bernie did his business. One eye on Parker, one eye on my task. 

Then I put 2 eyes on P because he has decided he wants to walk down the driveway towards the road....and my now blind fingers find the only gigantic hole in the bag. Cue sticking my fingers in dog shit. Then I try scramble to pick up the fallen out poop and get shit all over my other hand. 

P is gathering speed. 

I drop the bags and run in front of him..with plenty of time to spare might I add before you think I'm a bad mom. Now..how to pick up your child, who is all ready to go for the day, when you have poo on both hands? Well you scoop him up with the inside of your elbows of course.

I scoop him up...and look over....Bernie is pooping. Again. In the neighbor's yard. Again. 

I waddle inside. In case you didn't know....you waddle when you are hunched over (just in case you drop your child) while holding a 30 lb kid with your inner elbows. Thankfully I didn't close the door on the way out, and get into the kitchen. Put P down....put a load of soap on my hands....and kid is back out the door. 

Sigh. Finish washing my hands....turn the corner to go outside...can't see P. I of course panic, but then realize he was just in a weird blind spot, right next to the front door. I grab a new bag and devise a new plan. 

I guide Parker into the grass with me. If he is by me, he can't go near the road. right? So I bend over to pick up the new poop...he toddles towards the sidewalk to the road. He was two steps from me, so no need to run this time. I look at the sidewalk and think "huh..the grass didn't seem wet."

Nope. Parker had just stepped in the dog poop that had fallen out of the gigantic bag from a few minutes ago. I pick him up to inspect and take off the shoe..and the shoe almost hits me in the face. Poop ALL over it. 

I get everyone back in the house, and set to get the poop out of the bottom of his shoe. What's P do? Proceed to take every bottle of baby shampoo, put them in his mouth, and them throw them like he is the Hulk into the bath tub. 

Get everything cleaned up, grab P, run into his room quick to get a Fresh Market Thermal I had to mail today, pick it up..and it falls out of the bag.

I almost lost my shit. (like I almost went nuts....)

I had to put Parker in his crib and walk out of my house. 

I decide at this point, Bernie is coming with us. I don't have the patience to dog proof. So I get all the kids in the car and leave. 

I decide on the way that if anyone looks at me funny for wearing a tank top when its only 56* out I will politely say...."do you have a one year old? No? Then don't judge me." 

I'm f'in sweating. 

Best part? I get to the UPS store and find out it will cost me $100 to ship 3 things. 

Perfect. 

I didn't mail them. Wasted trip.

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