Skipping the Boob

I read another mom's blog this morning and I was so relieved. Every word, well almost, that she wrote was my story. ( Mom's blog )

Breastfeeding for P didn't go well. In fact, I hated it. 

Yes, I just said that. 

I'm sure some of you just cringed and are thinking, "What the hell is wrong with her?! Breastfeeding is the most beautiful and natural thing in this world!"

It was not a beautiful bonding thing for me. 

It was 10 minutes of my child screaming bloody murder while I tried to find any way to make him latch. It was 10 minutes of biting back tears. It was 10 minutes of wondering what I was doing wrong. It was 10 minutes of feeling like an absolute failure...several times a day. and then 5 minutes of pulling myself together after I passed him off to Thane for his formula. 

Then sometimes...it was 25 minutes of me pumping only to get 6 oz. 25 minutes of pain to feed my child 1/4 of his meal.

Meanwhile, Thane gets to cuddle him and feed him his bottle. 

To me, that was not enjoyable. I began to dread feeding time. I was relieved when Thane would agree to just do a bottle. Then I could sit and rock with my baby and just stare at him and get lost in his little features. No tears. No stress. No screams. No failure. Just smiles. and ALF...there was a lot of AlF being watched. 

I think we tried for 2 or 3 weeks to breastfeed and it didn't get better. He maybe latched twice. Those two times were amazing. He was so happy. I was happy. The world was happy. But it was only twice.

The doctors think it was because P was so early that my body didn't have time to get fully ready to produce. They think that because he was so early he didn't have that latching motion down or have the ability to have it down. We already had to supplement with formula because he was preemie...so that didn't help either. 

I will never forget our last visit with P's first doctor. This is why I believe in fate. This doctor was in our life for a reason..no matter how short it was. 

We had new insurance kicking in in just a few days and P had to go to the doctor because he was very very congested. We are sitting there talking and he asks how breastfeeding is going.

I instantly felt guilty and we say, "ya..not well." He nods and asks how many ounces I am getting each time.  I sigh, "About 6 to 8."

His jaw dropped. "For 3 weeks??"

I nodded, close to tears.

"You should be getting so much more than that. Why are you still doing this?? Why are you putting yourself through this? You don't have to breastfeed! Do you need me to tell you to stop?"

I nod slowly. 

"STOP! You don't have to do it! Formula is great!!"

and I burst into tears. Trying not to sob. 

It felt like a 2 ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

He then stocked us full of samples and sent us on our way.

Parker's new doctor, whom we love, is a renowned lactation specialist. She would not have been so quick to help me with my problem. Maybe I took the easy way out, feel free to think that, but it was the best decision for our family and I thank God we had our 1st doctor. 

I still got to spend time with Parker and bond...and so did Thane. 

I think it is great when you breastfeed, don't get me wrong. I used to be jealous of it.It is a beautiful thing and I'm sure the bond you create is just fantastic.

But you know what? Not everyone can. Not everyone loves it. It drives me nuts when people act like breastfeeding is the only way to go or when they make negative comments about formula feeding. Parker turned out juuuuust fine thank you very much. 

Everyone parents different and they have a reason for doing so. This is why I really liked that video that had every single type of mom in it, which of course I can't find. The one with breast feeding, formula feeding, stay at home, working, organic, over protective etc...and the end message was in the end we are all parents. Stop judging each other. 

Found it!! We are all Parents

Shit like this "comic" is what pisses me off:

My Night Life

is something to be envied. 

Especially last night.

I think Parker is getting a molar. He is drooling. He is crabby. He bit a fork so hard at school that he bent it.

Word on the street is that teething is worse at night. I'm a believer.

The past few nights he has NOT gone to bed. It has been crazy. He stands at his door screaming. "mooooooooooooooooooooooommy!!! Mommy!! Daddy? Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddy???????" It's horrible. It's heart breaking. Last night was no different. 

So its 9:45 and he is at his door. A full hour after we started bedtime, and doing his routine of screaming our names. Finally, I look at Thane and say..."Just go get him. He almost died today, I want him in bed with us."

That's a whole different story, and I may be exaggerating a bit, but it was still a really scary phone call to get. He was eating lunch and started to choke on an apple chunk. They had to push on his stomach to get it out. I am still a little unclear on how it came out, but I know it was bad enough that the teachers were pretty frazzled and then got even more worried when he fell asleep right away at nap time. (Which I reassured that that he fell asleep because he was up til 10:15 the night before.) Apparently he had been talking while chewing and inhaled his apply chunk. I still get worked up thinking about it and I was worried that something would happen to him in the middle of the night. Typical mom fear right?

So anyways. Thane gets him, he comes in bed and is beyond pumped that Thane is watching Iron Man. I have never heard him giggle so hard or say so many "oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"s. Pretty soon he was jumping all over our bed. Ugh. Clearly he was ok.

So finally Thane turned of the TV and took P back to his room. I believe we let him cry it out that time...because I fell asleep. 

This is where it gets good. 

At some ungodly hour he wakes up screaming again. Thane had to get up early to work this morning so I went in and the plan was just to lay with him til he fell back asleep.

That was not P's plan.

He wanted to have a full on tantrum because...he was awake? I have no idea why he was so mad. He then went in his closet and sat in a laundry basket full of clothes that are too small for him. He just sat there. For like 10 minutes. I finally got up to get a grown up blanket, and he lost it when I left the room. I came back in and laid down waiting for him to crawl out of his basket and join me. 

Well, he didn't like that I was ignoring him, so he moved to the dresser by his bed and started to scream all over again. 

At this point all you can do is laugh. I closed my eyes and then............

the Superbowl commercial with the kid who is dead pops into my head. That dresser he was trying to climb behind wasn't secured to the wall. What if it falls on him while I am a foot away???? 

Anyways. I got him to get in bed. I finally gave him some meds and he fell asleep.

I went back to bed...it was 1:30.

1:51 he is screaming again. I make Thane go get him. 

1;55. Parker is sharing my pillow with his arm across my face.

1:56. Bernie jumps in bed and lays across my knees.

1:56:24 . I yell at Bernie and he jumps down.

1:57. Bernie jumps back in and lays between my legs. Yes. My 110 pound dog is laying sideways at my knees. 

1:57:12. I yell at Bernie and he jumps down.

1:58. Bernie jumps up and lays next to my legs.

2:10. Bernie has moved his body to laying on my calves and P's head is in my shoulder blades. 

2.10:58. I have had enough. I grab my pillow and head to the couch.

2:12 I have settled in.

2:12:45. Bernie's nose is on my neck. ARE YOU KIDDING?!?!!?

6:40. Thane gets up. "Oh..I didn't know you were out here."

6:41. I make myself get up so I can lay by P and make sure he doesn't fall out of our bed and I find this...

He is laying sideways in our bed and has drooled on my side. 

I scoot him over and we are both passed out in like 30 seconds.

9 am rolls around and I wake up with him literally in my face. "MOMMY!!!!" and the biggest grin ever on his face.

I couldn't love this kid anymore.